Mastercard
by Josephus Prime
Summary: That's right, folks! It's my own ideas for Stargate SG1 Mastercard commercials! COMPLETE! BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR STARGATE: ATLANTIS MASTERCARD!
1. Of Sidearms and Adresses

I don't own Stargate SG-1. If I did, they'd have found the Furlings by now and THE SHOW WOULD NOT BE CANCELLED!

* * *

_Monday, Feb. 21.  
SGC._

Colonel Jack O'Neil looked over his equipment. He loved this job. It was so… He squinted at a certain spot. 'Well, hello…' He picked up his standard issue handgun and looked it over closely. Yes, that certainly hadn't been on his before…

"Uh, Danny?"

Dr. Daniel Jackson turned to his CO as he finished tying his bandanna. "Yes Jack?"

"I think this is your gun."

"What makes you say that?"

_One nerdy Anthropologist who's died twice, can speak 37 different languages, and has a girl on nearly every planet: $30,000 a month._

He tossed it to him.

"It's got that thief lady Vala's Homeworld's Gate address engraved on the side."

Daniel blushed. "Oh…whoops…" He took a corner of his jacket and started rubbing it hastily, trying to wipe the Sharpie away. Teal'c, the Jaffa warrior of SG-1, raised an eyebrow.

"Is it not a practice among the Tauri to give each other references at which they can be communicated at during courtship?"

_One false god-fighting alien warrior who can flip over a bus and doesn't know the definition of the word "clueless": $20,000 and a box of doughnuts._

Jack smiled as Daniel stuttered. "Very true Teal'c. The only problem is, that's one gate address he _doesn't_ want to have reference of."

Teal'c blinked. "Indeed." He said gruffly and shut his locker.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

_One blonde, beautiful, female egghead who's too damn smart for her own good: $40,000 a month._

"C'mon guys, what's taking so long? You exchanging girl's phone numbers in there or something?"

Daniel blushed redder. Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow and answered her. "As you would say, In a manner of speaking, Major Carter."

Carter giggled on the other side of the door. Jack merely smiled and opened it.

"C'mon kids, time to go." He called back cheerfully as he made his way down the hall. Carter followed close behind her CO and Daniel and Teal'c caught up shortly later just outside the gateroom. The sliding concrete doors opened to the sound of the address begin put into the gate and Walter saying "Chevron six-encoded."

The team lined up at the ramp at the bottom of the massive stone ring.

"So, ready to see what kinda trouble we can cause on this planet?" Jack joked as he turned to his team.

Carter giggled, Daniel chuckled as he tightened his bandanna, and Teal'c merely smiled and bowed his head and said "Indeed."

"Chevron seven-"

_Having a team comprised of the aforementioned and kicking snake-head ass one planet at a time…_

"Locked!"

…_Priceless._

I'm gonna make a few more chapter to this. I know tis been done to death, but c'mon! Please review!


	2. Of Laptops and Eggheads

Well, people seemed to like this, so here's Samantha Carters! Sorry if its not as good as you all hoped it would be.

* * *

Major Samantha Carter yawned as she stretched her arms you and leaned back in her chair, taking a quick break from her memo. She looked around her office at the many gadgets and pictures he had o her shelves and walls. Her eyes caught one fo her father and her after her graduation from college.

_College tuition: $60,000_

She smiled at the find memory. Then she turned back to her laptop. It sued to look brand-spankin' new, but after all it had been through (namely the control room on Dakara) it was so scratched and bruised, it looked like it had been through a hurricane.

_DELL Pentium laptop that can interface with…just about everything: $30,000_

She sighed again as she looked over her laptop to the wall across from her, adorned with pictures of science fairs (which she always won), pictures from the team;s fishing trips (as usual, they never caught anything), and her with various alien allies.

_Blueprints for naquadah-enhanced technology: $5,000_

She was about to resume typing her memo when…

_Zhwoooommm…_

The power went out. She sat in complete darkness. She blinked. What could possibly-

Then she heard a voice calling her from outside.

"Um, Carter? I think McKay broke the coffee machine again…"

"I DID NOT! I CAN FIX IT!"

"Uh huh. CARTER!!!!"

She smiled, partially in relief that they weren't under attack.

She stood up and advanced toward the door, smiling widely. If there was one thing about this job that she loved…

_Being able to be there for everyone else in case McKay screw up again… _

"Coming Sir!!"

…It was sticking her own womanly genius in the face of the most stuck-up member of the beings with a Y chromosome.

_Priceless._

And as she shut her door, a dartboard on its back with McKay's mug plastered on it swung silently, surveying the previously occupied office.

* * *

So there you go! Next time, Daniel Jackson! 


	3. Of Coffee and Translations

Okay, now for the one y'all have been waiting for…Daniel Jackson's! Hope its good!

* * *

_Daniel's office  
8:37 pm_

Daniel continued to look over the tablet that SG-6 had brought back from P2X-Lord-knows-what. It was just too hard to keep track of all the little numbers that went with all the different planets he'd been too. He reached over to his ever faithful coffee mug and took a long sip.

_100 eco-safe quality Brazilian coffee beans: $16.00 a can._

He put his coffee back down and took another look at the tablet. It certainly wasn't Goa'uld, he knew that much. The writings looked somewhat like a mixture of Celtic and Arabic…Rather like his own handwriting. There was a pause. "Wait a minute..."

_Lessons in over 26 different languages from Harvard: $270,000._

He grabbed his ever-faithful magnifying glass and looked closer. Yes, there was something there. It looked like some tiny runes…possibly Ancient?

Well, what ever it was, he grabbed his brush and began to sweep away some particles of dust and other…stuff…that had accumulated on the tablet during the last century or so.

_Complete Archeological toolkit: $67.00._

He gaped. He dashed to his bookshelf and grabbed a very haggard book. He flipped through it at breakneck pace and began to decipher the runes. The first one…"D". He jotted it down. Next one…"A"…the next one…and then the next…and the…wait a minute…these first ones spelled out his name…how odd…

He began to decipher the rest...yes, that rune most likely translated to "good"… and then this small set looked like a gate address…He blanched.

"Oh my freaking God, you've gotta be kidding me."

Daniel groaned and leaned back in his chair. If this was SG-6's idea of a joke, it was not funny. He grabbed his mug and took a very long draft from it as he stared down at the translation.

_Being one of the smartest, most hunted, and most wanted men in the galaxy…_

"Daniel-For a good time, Call Vala. See you soon, sweetie 3!!! XOXO!!!" And under that was a gate address.

'That's it.' He thought as he got up to get more coffee, 'I _REALLY_ needed to get a damn girlfriend...'

…_Priceless.  
_

* * *

Alright, that's that. I know it's not very long, but I hope it's a good one. I always thought Vala might've done something like that. 

Okay, so here's the skinny-I'm gonna let YOU, the reader, decide who I should do next. Will it be…

Teal'c,  
Vala,  
Col. Mitchell,or…  
Sgt. Walter Harriman (The Chevron Guy).

VOTE NOW!

Oh, and I hope y'all like my new Penname!


	4. Voting Update

Hey hey HEY! It's your favorite Furling here to give you an update on the votes:

In 3rd place…the T-man, Teal'c with a whopping ZERO votes! Unexpected!

In 2nd place…The Noob of Stargate, Cameron Mitchell, with only 1 vote! (Granted, he's no noob, but still I had to use something!)

And, tied for 1st place…Walter the Chevron Guy and the beautiful Vala Mal' Doran, both with 2 votes!

And those are the standings. Keep Voting!

And Ferreti…NO BETTING. lol Peace!


	5. Of Nightgowns and Missions

YO YO YO! Your Favorite Furling is back with an update!

And the winner of the voting is… (insert drumroll)…VALA MAL' DORAN!!!

Let's see how this goes…

* * *

Vala smirked. Not smiled. _Smirked._ One sneaky, shiny, pearly white smirk that could make even Lord Yu shiver in his "snake-head" boots. 

_Tauri dental purifying tape (Crest white Strips): $15.00_

She out on the last of her makeup, making sure that she didn't miss a spot. A dab here, some lipstick there…there. "Done." She said to herself. She flashed another smile in the vanity mirror she had installed.

Her thoughts recently had been similar from the movie her and Daniel had watched once…Mission Impossible! That was it!

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it..." She guessed she knew what her Mission Impossible was.

'How Cliché…' she thought.

_Mission Impossible on DVD: $25.00_

She slipped on her black silk sleeping gown. She thought it complemented her form quite nicely. She smirked. She was finally ready.

_Victoria's Secret Black silk sleeping gown: $32.00_

Smirking again, she grabbed her teddy bear and dashed nextdoor.

But, He this was her Mission, and she had chosen to accept it.

She slowly opened the door…

"Daniel?"

_Being able to make the stubborn and slightly-nerdy one you love do whatever you want him too…_

Daniel raised an eyebrow. Oh, she better not be trying what she thought she was trying. "Yes…" he said cautiously?

She stood in the doorway, doing her best impression of an innocent little girl. She even did the pose perfectly. Legs fidgeting, arms behind her back, one hard holding the teddy bear, the other hand crossing its fingers. She had, of course, hours of practice. She lifted her hand to her mouth and placed a finger on her lower lip, smiling now. Her head was titled to the floor, but her eyes were glued to Daniels. Then, she said in a slow, almost seductive voice…

"…Will you read me a bedtime story?"

Daniel groaned and dropped his head to the desk with a thud. Vala smiled wider.

Mission Accomplished.

_Priceless.  
_

* * *

Well, there you go. Sorry it's not as long as usual. Not especially funny, but I thought that the Mission Impossible tie-in fit okay. 

Next Up, Teal'c! Read & Review, y'all! Peace!


	6. Of Hair Roots and Doughnuts

Wassup, Y'all! Joe of the Furlings here with Teal'c's lil Tale! Sorry it took me so long to update, but I have finals coming up and family problems, so this might be my last one for at least a month or so.

Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this. This came to me whilst I was watching the first episode of Season 9. Enjoy

* * *

Teal'c looked warily at the tall, imposing white structure that loomed up before him. He observed all the pictures of Tauri men and women smiling happily at being "fixed up" as Colonel O'Neill would put it.

_Hair roots: $440.00._

He raised an eyebrow at one particular picture, wondering why in the world anyone would do _that_ to their nose. But still, he stood strong and stiff, and proceeded inside.

* * *

Teal'c grunted as he lifted another few pounds of weights. While on Chulak, he had done things such as this in the middle of the forest. But this time, Teal'c was at what Samantha Carter referred to as "A Health Club". I was meant to be a private place where one could exercise and train themselves without interruptions or distractions.

_Health club membership: $45.00 a month._

But as he grunted again, and saw the small group of women giving him most peculiar looks, muttering, and giggling to themselves, he wished he had just stated on the base.

* * *

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. It was a hard choice, but not one he had not made before. It was simply the matter of which one would prove more useful. That, and which one would be easier to carry, thus allowing more maneuverability.

"HEY! Would you just choose already!?! Some of us have more important…things…to..." Teal'c slowly turned his head. The little man behind him looked furious, but the second he locked eyes with Teal'c, He nearly jumped out fo his pants in fright.

_A dozen doughnuts: $14.00._

"If you have waited as long as you have, it will not harm you to wait a little longer." That being said, he turned around and began to contemplate if he should make the final doughnut Jelly or Crème

* * *

Col. O'Neill groaned and grabbed his head as he came to. He opened an eye and looked up at Teal'c. Teal'c smiled. "It is good to see you, Colonel O'Neill."

"Teal'c…" the colonel began weakly.

_Saving your friends and brothers from the grips of false Gods and looking completely badass while doing it…_

"…What's with the hair?"

…_Priceless. _

* * *

Yeah, it's rainy out today, and without the Carolina Blue sky, my mind and so good. So, Read and Review! Next up, per a request from a certain author known Samandjackforever, It's Janet Fraiser's time to shine!

Oh, and HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, EVERYONE!!!!

"_DAMMIT, JIM! I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A POOLMAN!"-Jim Carrey_


	7. Of JellO and Syringes

Hey Y'all! Joe of the Furlings here! Sorry I haven't updated for a while, but now I'm on summer break, and I got time to work on this! I'd like to thank the wonderful Samandjackforever for this helluvan idea. So here's the Tale of Janet Fraiser (God Bless her Soul)!!

* * *

Doctor Janet Fraiser groaned as the Soldier gave her his report on the current problem. From what it sounded, it was up to her to save the base from a breakout of a serious and highly contagious virus. It had to be the time of year, it just had to..

_Medical College tuition: $40,000._

She sighed as she slipped on her rubber gloves.

"We think that the infected person has holed themselves up in the cafeteria. They're threatening to use lethal force unless they're given access to the surface."

"Don't they know how old this is getting?" She said as she pulled on her big white doctor's coat.

"Yes Ma'am, but they are being very…persuasive.

Janet raised an eyebrow at the soldier as she pooled the vaccination into a syringe. "How so?"

The soldier was obviously new, as he was shifting form one foot to the other, obviously uncomfortable about this situation. "…They're threatening to contaminate our food supplies, Ma'am…starting with the red Jell-O."

_Medical Budget for the SGC: $5,000._

Fraiser groaned, very annoyed as she strode out the door and down the hall, following the colored lines to the cafeteria, her high-heeled shoes clopping loudly on the concrete.

_Pair of Black high-heeled shoes that make you look just a bit taller than you really are: $50.00._

As she tuned a corner she signed at what she saw.

It looked like a roadblock. Soldiers had their guns in their hands, aiming at the doors of the cafeteria. They even had a mounted machine gun installed.

Teal'c was also there. He raised an eyebrow at the situation. "Is this a usual occurrence whenever Colonel O'Neill requires a vaccination for the so-called 'Flu'?"

_Being able to make the great Jack O' Neill shake in his shoes…_

Janet smiled slightly at the Jaffa. "Yep. Only once a year." And, as she turned to the doors and kicked them down, she hollered "JACK, OPEN UP! GAMES OVER!"

The second she was through, several men rushed forward and locked the door. In the blink of an eye, the rest of the soldiers had all gathered around the windows as if to watch some sporting event. Teal'c just stayed put.

"Fraiser! Don't move!! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER WITH THAT THING!! LET ME OUT, AIRMEN, THAT'S AN ORDER!!!"

And then pandemonium ensued. The various sounds of banging on the door, tables being overturned, and plates shattering echoed from the room. The airmen just made appropriate faces to suggest what was occurring in there. It sounded like there was quite the chase going on in there.

"Oh, come on, Jack, for the love of Pete, _it's just a needle_!"

"YOU CALL THAT _HARPOON_ A _NEEDLE_!?! YOU COULD SPEAR AND ELEPHANT WITH THAT-HEY!!! DON'T COME ANY CLO-_**YEOWCH!!!**_

…_Priceless._

Several airmen winced and there was also a chorus of "Ooohs". Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow. It was curious how Colonel O'Neill reacted, but what was more curious is that, when he laid his eyes on the needle, he could've sworn he heard something small near his stomach gulp and shrink away from the dressed-in-white doctor with the very pointy, shiny stick.

* * *

Well, that's that. Next up, a whole new shebang with STARGATE ATLANTIS MASTERCARD!!!

And may I take this time to say, NBC, YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH FOR CANCELLING STARGATE SG-1!!!!

Thank you, and Happy Gateing!

"_Oh, c'mon, it's just a giant spider! It actually looks kinda cu-" –The last words of Colonel Nathaniel Toomes (taken from Warhammer)_


End file.
